Jealousy ruins happiness.. Feelings, causes and how to deal with it.
Trust me I tried my best to do so. I tried to figure out what the root cause might be. And there were multiple things that added up to be a reason for the same.
Before I let you know anything about the causes I felt were responsible, let me share the situation which caused me to feel jealous.
My significant other has been my support system all this time. He is a person with an open mind and believes in a lifestyle that doesn't have any unnecessary boundaries. But this too much free and open way of life makes him weak in his concentration towards his goal. The matter isn't only this, but also his desire to get success in his life for which he has always wanted my support. He has often asked me to help him stay on track and not get distracted.
The matter started or I would say, starts usually from such a situation when instead of focusing on his goal he tends to spend time on enjoyment or going out with friends. Honestly, it would not be fair if I say this is always the case for him. It's not a regular thing but the exact problem is that, there is a lack of same enthusiasm for his goals, and if by chance there is a situation coming up, the duties towards his aim are postponed easily without any hesitation, but this ignorance and avoidance towards his enjoyment is hardly seen. A lot of time being used for some work might take the sacrifice of his responsibilities but there is negligible sacrifice of these sources of entertainment ever. Thus, an objection comes up.
But this objection has turned into something that I think has become habitual now. He seems to get irritated after some time and my objections have started to look like nagging. As a result I had been reluctant to start an argument.
But deep within, I felt that my feelings of resentment and sorrows in such situations have some other deep reasons too. Deep within I had started to feel a sense of jealousy from probably the time he had been spending enjoying but without me. We are in a long relationship and it has been more than 2 years since we together. We live in such situations that it is nearly impossible for us to meet even once every year. Despite all of this, there is honesty and loyalty that kept us together.
For me, one of the root causes of my feeling of jealousy is due to the experience of my past relationship, where I had been cheated and deeply heart broken after that. Before entering into this relationship I had never even thought of trusting anybody else again, and had no plans to even commit to someone again. But as time passed my boyfriend and I grew close. Though I had still no plans to have a lifelong commitment but I wanted to still have a loyal partner, both of which I had made clear. Gradually as time passed, this closeness turned into love. And then into a feeling of togetherness and a wish to always be with each other. But at times, there are still incidents that bring out that scared and horrified side of mine into light, especially during those days of the month when I'm emotionally not very much strong. It seems like questions popping into my mind, for example, "Why has he not mentioned this one detail of his trip?", or "Why is he not answering me?", sometimes there is a feeling of insecurity if someone still tries to hit on him and tries so hard that he ends up loosing himself to her.
I know these questions are baseless and meaningless, especially when he makes it clear most of the time, and it's quite common to have a colleague at the office who is female, or a female classmate, so why is it bothering me so much?
One bad experience in a past relationship has been such a terrible one that it still haunts me and is successful to spoil my mood every now and then at times when I'm not able to reason.
There have been few more reasons that have added up to my feeling this kind of a jealousy, and one of them is the leisure time that I have these days. Most of my time gets spent either taking a note of his life or spending time in the start-up that we both have started, and then in watching shows on my phone. I had given a competitive exam a couple of months ago and the counseling procedure to get admission for my higher studies to become a doctor has still not started. As a result, most of my time is left free and even if it is not, there is still something or the other related to him that runs in my mind. As a result, my world has started to revolve around one person only, and that according to me has ended up making me possessive and insecure towards him.
Though, I strongly believe that, this is something that is wrong but I still don't get over it even after realising it.
The feeling of jealousy and insecurity keeps on charging it's arrows at my mind and thus keeps on bothering me. If I address it to him, situations turn so ugly that it ends up to him feeling suffocated. He has been telling me a number of times that I have to get over this feeling of doubting him, and honestly, I too feel the same. But he is not a professional and is helpless when there is a need of a solution to tackle this issue.
We have arguments, and even fights a number of times but when I think of a solution, I hardly remember any. All I remember is the feeling of anger and fury, which burns out while we argue and then after a period of time, I turn a polite side of mine towards him, and then ask for apology often. It is only time that starts to lessen my anger and it is only time, which when passes, lets me question to my self and reason to my actions.
This feeling is so bad that inspite of knowing that it is wrong, I'm not able to help myself feel bad. Despite my continuously questioning my feelings these days, I still don't stop feeling this.
I keep thinking from one part of my brain that there is nothing so wrong or bad to feel so disgusted inside, but the other part still doesn't stop feeling so.
And if by chance, I get triggered by any means, everything erupts from myself like a volcano. Why would anyone want a girlfriend who would want to cage them?
The only thing I try my best to help avoid ugly situations is to, try to suppress and not talk about this feeling and the actions that cause them, for as long as I'm actually not able to get into a good mood myself. I try not to think anything about the tone of his voice, his words, or even, his possible thoughts before doing or saying something that hurts me. The reason behind this is the that u realised that my powers to reason are lower for those few days.
My concern for his goal is real, and therefore, it is not acceptable for me to let him ruin himself. This is the reason I keep my questioning him for wasting his time is because he must not get diverted from his, dream and goal. But I don't know what should I be doing to not let jealousy ever come up. We know a lot about how to deal with it after it had already creeped in. But how to have that feeling of security towards your relationship and partner is not an easy answer.
I don't know a perfect answer to it that would work for everyone. Trust me, there is no master key to it. You might be disturbed for less time or more, and you may or may not be able to get over it very soon. Had I known anything as such, I would have used the trick in the first place. But there is one thing I know, and that is, don't try expressing yourself too soon, especially when you are in such a complicated state of mind.
You might want to become the most honest person in the world, probably to your partner and would not want to hide anything that you think, from them. Question yourself that what makes you think whatever thought has come immediately in your mind is actually your opinion? Haven't you ever in your life brought out the frustration of some other field into some other aspect of your life which you had no intention of doing? My point is, your state of mind, your thoughts, are not always in accordance to what your views and opinions are. Ideally it should be the case but it's not. You might be bothered about something very petty, but your work stress might have added up to your feeling sad. You might be having hormonal issues, or you might be under medication, you might simply be hungry, you might be under the impact of alcohol, or simply in a bad mood for some other reasons. Anything can be a cause and can increase the level and intensity of your emotions and that's what can make the situation worse. You might be uneasy, simply leave the place or control yourself to react immediately. Talk or write about it to yourself, your partner, or anyone whom you find trustworthy, only and only after you have come back in your senses. And remember, don't make it an issue if it isn't. You might not want to face a backlash or an insult for a problem that belongs to you. Don't be too frequently complaining about these things, try to give everything sometime. If it disturbs you very much, don't be rude to him/her regarding the matter. Trust the person, trust that they care about you. If you are really in trouble, and they see that, they would surely want to help you, be it improvements in yourself, or the latter, there should be nothing to ridicule either of you, and if you have seen clear signs of behaviour that is unacceptable to the boundaries of that relationship, confront. If they deny but you have clear indications from your side, be ready for a peaceful move on. Don't keep thinking of it for too long, a day or two, once in a while is fine but if it is too much, have a look around yourself.
I know it's easier said than done, but that's what I do. I have been in situations as same as you, and you have seen what I have experienced. A relationship between human beings is something very organic and cannot have strict rules or criteria that are a must follow rules. The basic principles are, honesty, loyalty, trust and love. Enculcate the respect for everyone's personal space, yours too. Learn to find your own identity and work on that. You know it's very popularly said in India that an empty mind is where a devil resides. Therefore, let no devil accomodate the free and empty mind of yours. Make sure you enjoy your life the same way as your partner does. Learn to have a circle of your own. If you really feel ignored, make sure you need to increase your self worth and self esteem by yourself. Don't always keep yourself available, don't do it intentionally of course, that means you are not supposed to ignore his texts or deny going out with him even if you are free, but be sure to utilise your time for your development too. Do take up responsibilities at your work place if haven't, do consider going out with your friends and family, start learning skills that you had always wanted to but thought that you had no time.
Remember, most of the time, jealousy is the result of your own insecurity and low self esteem. Work on that. I'm trying to do the same. Let's do it together. All the best.
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